When you risk nothing, you risk (every)anything.

In the book 那些年，我們一齊追的女孩, 柯景騰 （i.e. 九把刀）went for his university interview in a pissed off mood. Mainly because a 賤貨(according to him) tricked 沈嘉儀 into giving up her early bird application. The only reason he applied for that uni was because of her, and now that she wasn’t there, he saw no motivation to continue. He was extremely grudgy during the entire interview. When the interviewer asked him why he wanted to apply for a business management course when he was studying science in school, he simply rolled his eyes and dropped this sentence, “When you risk nothing, you risk anything.”

He got into the university successfully.

4 years passed.  柯景騰 decided to apply for masters. Instead of writing a proper academic paper like what any other sane person will do, he wrote a novel involving terrorists and bombs and other weird stuff  to explain the academic concepts. During the interview, the professors asked him why did he do that. With a smile, he drop the exact same sentence with a confident smile, ”When you risk nothing, you risk anything.”

This time round, he failed and became a laughing stalk.

However, this became the starting point for him to write. And he wrote and wrote. And become one of the most successful authors in chinese popular literature.

Grammatically speaking, the sentence should be “When you risk nothing, you risk everything.” But well, that is not the point.

The point is, sometimes you just need to do the craziest things. Often we go the safe route because we are afraid of loosing. But if you think about it… what are we loosing exactly? Are we loosing our family and friends? Are we loosing our morals? Are we loosing our integrity? Or are we just loosing our ‘face’? Or some ‘maybes’ that you are uncertain of their existence?

Sometimes things just can’t be planned. And things are never as complicated as they seem. Well maybe they actually are, especially in terms of relationships. That is why there are things like backstabbing and rumours. But that just make things sour. So I rather see things in the simplest manner. Call me stupid or whatever. But is tiring to guess others’ emotions. And I want to live for the moment. Because you never know if I will slip and fall and hit my head and die the next moment.

So, I have decided.

I am going to the U.S. for an internship.

LOL SORRY FOR THE LONG PROLOGUE. I write all those chunk as though I am going to elope with some guy. Haha is just a small simple decision and I am making a drama out of it. Because to a useless and timid person like me, this is something huge. and imagine dragging my luggage all the way to the other side of the globe alone. No friends or family this time. And I have only just decided. I havn’t even apply to anything yet. (Not sure if any one wants me also. Maybe I will be rejected in all cases. How you know)

So right now I am  looking for studios to apply. I think I will ask my tutor about it, since he is from New York. NEW YORK. OMG IF ONLY I CAN GET AN INTERN IN NEW YORK.

I really want to see the world, before I get a full time job and slave my ass off.

As for money…

I will figure out a way. If i get the $HK50 000 scholarship, it will be settled. If. But I doubt I will get it since I am fighting with all the pros and best of shows. why did i even submit it in the first place? Because when I risk nothing, I risk (every)anything.

That shall be my life motto now.

http://store.modernchildren.net/track/somewhere-else 

The song that describe my feelings now.

Hate timezone difference.

“Sorry but I will be leaving for London this Saturday afternoon and will only be back to France on Wednesday”

“Can we make it earlier? Because I will be going to America (most likely New York again) on Tuesday”

“Can we have the discussion at Vancouver’s afternoon instead?”

A person out of context will think that the above conversation is among a group of posh glamorous coolio preppy rich kids. Sorry to disappoint, but it comes from a group of loser college slum who study useless subjects and one of them is going to be a hobo without job and school in one day’s time.

Why is it so difficult to just have an online session???

 

The last dose of Youth

I was having plans with my classmates for grad trip. They wanted to go europe, and I suggested eastern europe because eastern europe is exotic. Look at greek and prague and estonia. But eventually everyone else thinks that eastern europe is too dangerous. so in the end they are deciding on netherlands+Belgium+germany. Well that means that I am not going since I have been to these places before. Then Joanne wanted the states. but for some reason besides new york I have no urge to go anywhere else in america. I mean, maybe vegas. but, that is all. Because the image I have of america is bascially Walmart and highways. yar maybe I am a noob I am wrong but, that is really the image I have. and new york is so expensive. I always think that new york is like some place you go when you work after a few years and you have a bit of money. Is a place you go when you are nearing 30 or pass 30, not a place to go when you are in the early 20s.

Grad trip is symbolic. Is like your last taste of youth. And I dont want to spend that in H&M and subways. Grad trip should not be a luxury trip. I want to spend my last days of youth doing youthful stupid things, like, cycling on the road. Going to the beach. Eating cheap street food. Running in the sun. Sweating mad as hell. Screaming at the top of the mountain. Sleeping in railway stations. Riding horses in the open fields. Dancing in the rain. Camping in the wild. Seeing the galaxy. chasing sheeps and cows…

So, I will very much want to stay in Asia for my grad trip. I don’t mind exploring rural china. I don’t mind having an adventure in angkor wat. And I definitely don’t mind cycling on the road in Taiwan. Actually in fact, I kind of want to have my grad trip in Taiwan. Yes i have been to taipei, but i have yet to see 台南 and 台中. I have yet to go 墾丁. I want the beach. the mountain and the sea. And I really really really want to have a cycling trip. If I don’t do these things now, I will never do them. I will be too old and too drained to appreciate the sweat and tears.

And yes. To the three of you. Fellow slacker club members. remember our slacker club trip? remember???? Remember 3 years ago I opened a facebook group for a slacker club trip??? Can we go this summer? can we enjoy the last taste of youth this summer? Can I spend my last summer vacation with you guys???

 

When you look back, things aren’t as bad as they seem.

Yes is the first post of the year!

First of all, let me give you a recount of what happen on my last day of 2011:

7.30a.m: Alarm clock rang. dismissed alarm. went back to sleep.

8.30a.m: Felt awake. Felt like a boss but tell myself since I am so great I shall lie in the bed for 5 more minutes.

10.30a.m:The 5 mins turned out to be 1 and a half hours. panic. Immediately rush down to brush my teeth, have my breakfast and start browsing the reference list of “where the whild brands are: some thoughts on anthropomorphic marketing. Oh yes is such a useful article. Why didn’t I find it during independent studies.

11:30a.m:Printing off Interactive Animation: exploring spokes-characters on the internet, Consumers and their animal companions and Anthropomorphism and consumer behavior,

12.00p.m: Realised Consumers and their animal companion is an off-topic read. why did i waste so much ink printing it.

12.05p.m: start tieba-ing and facebooking.

12.15p.m: wrote a i-assume-is-poetic blog entry

1.15p.m: hungry. went to make my speciality dish: Shin ramen cup noodle.

1.30p.m: thought 风之谷 was on. seems like i misread the time. it was scheduled at 11.30a.m not 1.30p.m. switch tv off. Load kimi to boku episode 11.

2.15p.m: finish watching. start work again.

2:45p.m discovered the wonderful website online journal of interactive advertising. Print off The effects of anthropomorphic agents on advertising effectiveness and the mediating role of presence.

3.00p.m start reading interactive animation: exploring spokes-character on the internet.

3.15p.m: facebooking.

4.00p.m:panic. OMG WHAT HAVE I DONE HALFA DAY IS GONE.

4.15p.m: tell myself is ok I am not in the mood of reading lets think about the tongli manga.

5.oop.m: start doodling gintama INSTEAD of doing my draft.

6.00p.m: outlining MY DOODLE.

6.10p.m: start colouring MY DOODLE.

7.00p.m: dinner.

8.00p.m: read 四叶妹妹

9.45p.m panic mode AGAIN. OMG WHAT HAVE I DONE IN THE WHOLE DAY. Start to pick up reading again.

10.35p.m: facebook.

10.55p.m: start reading again. I am making advances!

11.15p.m: enter my mum’s room to watch tv with her while my dad watches man u v.s. i dont know what soccer team.

11.35p.m: got koh’s elaborate message.

11:38p.m: continue reading. while watching tv. and talking to my mum. and whats-apping koh.

11.55p.m: start to get hype up for new year.

11:59p.m: start counting down.

12.00a.m: scream happy new year. wake up dad up to scream happy new year to him.

WHAT AN EXCITING LAST DAY OF 2011! full of procrastination and otaku and self doubt and angst!

Which is a perfect summation of my life in 2011.

ok wait. maybe not. Let me try to make myself less pathetic to see what I have achieved in this 2011

1)Lived in Uk for 5 months. and totally hated that place. Now i think hong kong returning back to china is not a bad choice after all. Seriously, being squash and pushed in the train in Beijing is 100 zillion times better than being told “I want to fuck Asian Girls” right in my face.

2)Been to 10 different countries (UK, Netherlands, Belgium, France, Spain, Germany, Austria, Slovakia, Hungary, Taiwan, and of course Singapore)  (Bristol, Bath, Oxford, Cambridge, London, Amsterdam, Brussels, Brague, Paris, Barcelona, Madrid, Magdeburg, Postdam, Salzburg, Vienna, Bratislava, Budapest, Taipei and of course Singapore) and 19 different states and cities. WOW. SOUNDS SO AMAZING. SO I DID HAVE A LIFE.

3) First puke on alcohol. but i was wide awake and not carried out by bouncer. and it seems like I have defective  allele of ALDH2. I blush easily with just a zip of any kinds of OH. So that means I have all rights and excuses to spend my night watching kimi to boku instead of clubbing. YES

4)Internship. First dose of working. and I hate architects. I totally hate them.

5)Internship with Choo. Life is never been better with a zhai friend to do zhai stuff together.

6) Completed 39,let me repeat, 39 pages of manga and sent off to japan. Omg hope i can at least get into the finals.

7) being accused of stealing a television after i freaking left that stinky shit hole for 4 months. I was 100% sure I shut and lock all the freaking doors when I left. AND YES I HOLD GRUDGES AND I AM DAMN PETTY.

8) First time having the feeling of vomiting because of stress. Seriously, the feeling. is very bad.

9) Leeched on kaman’s 21st birthday party for my own 21st birthday. lol. got a pikachu mask, chopper’s hat, chopper dress up game and 200cm okita for birthday… I want something non-acg related for my next birthday thanks.

10)  My 2 min animation! 1000 drawings! I am so amazing!

11) Travelling with koh and ada! our 杏鲍菇! but too bad it was raining every single day. I was nearly blown off at the bridge. but taiwan is so nice! the people there are so nice! and the things are so cheap! and there is so much food! unlike certain place with only fish and chips and lousy kebab.

12) My stay at 许宅. LOL. 小猪猪!

13)The epic finale of Harry Potter. A decade. It was a decade harry.

14) First experience being robbed(?) Is that considered robbing if they return you the wallet? but, it was really, a scary experience. especially with sokemay and her CSI look.

15)First experience being stuck on a train in the middle of nowhere with no lights and no common language.

16) First experience being on a tv show. BBC4 or 5? I can’t remember. But i didn’t watch the broadcast.

17) The start of *Taboo word*

18)dyed my hair purple. But it was only purple for 2 days.

19) Discover 9gag. Forever alone level 10000000000000000000.

20) Walked an island with choo. and i almost died. and I am not keeping my promise of exercising weekly.

I will stop at 20. Actually, thinking back, quite a lot of things happened. actually many.I thought 2011 stinks with many emotional trauma but actually is really not that bad. Is a travelling year. 10 countries. I really didn’t notice that.

Well, life is great after all.

I am still alive.

Hello people I am still alive enough though I have not blogged since last month. and according to my own set tradition, this is very bad because I didn’t even blog anything about my birthday, supposingly the ‘big’ 21. I mean, usually people will expect others to blog something reflective or emo or happy or whatever about their birthday right?

Anyway let me tell you why I didn’t blog for so long ok. Because on the strike of 12, right at the moment when my birthday ended, right at the moment when 1st june magically becomes 2nd june, the freaking internet at my house stopped. Rather, it was cut. I highly suspect that my housemates didn’t pay for the internet bills, since the cable tv was gone too. you know, usually internet comes with the cable tv and the telephone line?  but i can understand why they didn’t pay. Because no one will be at the house for the entire june. Everyone has gone back home, and when they do come back it will be for packing and transporting the stuff back home. Cause by 1st july everything must be cleared. anyway I was gone on my austria-germany trip too for 10 days. So I didnt and couldn’t complain. so between 2-5 june, i was internet-less. and let me tell you how it feels for that 3 freaking days:

I have no internet. I couldn’t talk to people online or stalk on facebook or read gintama forums. No one was in the house. There was absolutely no noise, not even opening of doors. No one was in Bristol. Many were all around Europe travelling. I felt so alone. I felt like I was stranded in some deserted island out of reach of the world. At that moment I even wish for fights to happen in the house backyard ok. Coz that at least confirms that I am still in some sort of society with other people. It was really, very bad. I had gone to the point that I read a book in the park even if it was freaking cold like 10 degrees to at least see some people walking in front of me. Yes it was still that cold in bristol even though is freaking summer. I hate the UK weather. Luckily I still had Michelle around in town then. I didn’t mind walking 45 mins all the way to her place for dinner, coz at least I could talk to some one.

Anyway regarding turning 21… well I was not as freak out as I was turning 20. I think I have reach some sort of nirvana. age doesnt matter anymore, as long as i think I am 13 forever. And it was good that someone else had the same birthday as me. She organised a bbq party and she found out that we had the same birthday so she invited me along and we sort of celebrated it together. There was no cakes though but i dont mind since i didn’t like cakes. so I had the best of both worlds; I need not plan and organise anything, I need not be in the limelight alone, yet I still some how manage to celebrate my birthday. YES.

but for some reason all my birthday presents this year were… erm.. somehow… otaku. Actually very otaku. listing a few:

1)pikachu mask

2) hand-made choppers hat model

3) chopper dress up game

Everything was related to manga and anime ok. anyway I am kind of worried about the present choo is sending. I suspect that it is something more otaku then 1:1 okita poster. what if it is 1:1 okita bedsheets???? or 1:1 okita bolster??? ok ok I dont think choo will be that rich to send me something so big. but still. Please. Is not anything too otaku and perverted right? right? right???

ok so from 5-12 I was with sokemay on the austria tour. sokemay is forever so sexciting. and she made so many slip-of-tongue that had sexual connotations ok. zomg. No wonder she had flings all over the world. Anyway salzburg was a pretty little city. we went for a mini concert which totally reminded me of nodame. the pianoist was a japanese with similar hair style as nodame ok. zomg. I was totally thrilled. and she had a super bling bling. Vienna was super glam and beautiful. bratislava was a spontaneous thing. Something bad happened there. and I shall not give a blow-by-blow account here because that will be too long. just take note that is something scary and bad that involves mugging. But good that budapest made up for that bad day. budapest was A-mazing.

The more I go to other european countries, the more I feel that certain country with only dodgy kebab and fish and chips is overrated. so is that capital city with LV. you know when you think about europe, the first two countries people generally will want to go will be L_ndon and P_ris. but seriously, these two are one of the uglier cities. At least I think so. but seriously, a tube that closes the busiest line on the busiest day and time? or metro that has the pee smell??? They are seriously overrated. Like, totally.

then from 12-15 I was with Audrey in Magdeburg. Is a city 1 hour plus train ride from berlin. Not really there was sightseeing, but more of slacking around with audrey, or playing with hiro. ZOMG HIRO IS SO DAMN CUTE!!! it likes to play with lollipops. and it slept with me one night ok! It just decided to lie down next to my head and sleep on my pillow. you know kittens have soft fur and they are freaking warm so it is very comfortable to have them next to you? but it is kind of playful though. it keeps thinking that my hands and toes are soft toys so it keeps biting them. and one night it gave me a cat punch, right in my right eye. ouch. but really was really damn cute. hiro was like the highlight of my trip, together with sm’s quotes.

so now I am in london with my parents. went to cambridge today. Go back to bristol to pack my things. Grateful that my parents are here to help me take some stuff back first. then off I go on the 21st.

I shall end my entry abruptly here because i am running low on battery and I need to pee and sleep.

ciao.

eat, eat and eat.

I figured out cooking can be fun. If you do it with others. Things I have cooked with others so far:

1) 饺子( our all time favourite)

2) baked salmon fish head

3)咕噜肉

4) 香柠鸡

5)凉拌青瓜

6) lagsana

7)baked garlic mushroom

8 ) 可乐饼

9) sushi

10) wrap

11)  chicken onion egg soup ( whatever you call it)

I think there are a few more but lets just stop here. too lazy to recall. Of course, i am in charge of simple stuff like dicing garlic, looking after the fire, e.t.c The deciding important act of adding the right amount of salt and sauce and stuff is left to my mates. you know how good i am.

so right now i found a new budding interest to cook! but with others of course. that is really way more fun, and we can eat more variety of stuff if we have more people.

Talking about food, i have a growing list of stuff i really really want to eat. i figured out, i still like chinese food the best. RICE. and i really want to eat ramen. the ramen they have here look so unappetizing and expensive. so are the sushi. where is my raw salmon??

 

 

Is a wonderful lazy day.

Things I did today:

Woke up

skyped with my mum

went out to meet wueng

Walked  around the city center aimlessly.

Ate a pie and drank a smoothie

walked to the wrong location for the stroke craft festival

Lie down on a grass patch and slept.

felt too cold and woke up

walked to stroke craft

listened to free band shows

ate chips with cheese

wondered around more

said bye bye

walked back home

slept for a while

woke up

read bakuman

blogged.

If only everyday can be this carefree.

Things I want to do before I leave bristol

1) go out to paint/draw/sketch

2) go to arnofini

3) picnic

4) propaganda

5) just walk around aimlessly

Listening to the empty streets is quite therapeutic.

I just walked 2 hours from school back home because I missed the freaking last bus and the last bus is at 7.oop.m. British efficiency! But well, actually majority of the students cycle to school. those who take the bus are the minorities so, ok. no complains.

But I dont mind walking back home though. I like walking that path. I had only walked once and that was with my animation mates. this was the second time. In this path I will walk pass a baseball field, under a working railway, pass some cool graffiti,  on an abandoned railway, along the river, through the city center, down stroke croft where the Tesco protest was held, pass a nose sculpture, and finally down lansdown road. Yes is pretty exciting and there is much to see. Like today, I saw two guys trying to balance on a rope tied across two trees. I don’t know why, but that scene seemed to be out of a film, because is way too bizarre.

Anyway I have seen many bizarre happenings during my stay in uk. like a bunch of people dressed as trees dancing to the windpipe, or a woman asking me if i have seen an ufo, or people dressed in that borat swimsuit at 0 degrees Celsius, or a bunch of wallies appearing at the restaurant to ask people to ‘find them’, e.t.c. Pretty random actually. well bristol is actually really not a bad place afterall, if only there can be less drunkards and tastier food. but if there are less drunkards there will be less bizarre happenings, and that is what make the place interesting. so well, two side to a coin.

i left around 5 more shots to com. I am finishing. after that I am left with sound edit and wala! my first animation film.

I can do it.

YES I AM BACK IN TO THE INTERNET.

I have been missing for the pass few days because choo booked a hostel which need to pay for the internet. Thanks choo. And because of that i realised HOW dependent I am on it.

“i need to check fb but OMG I DONT HAVE INTERNET.”

“I need to check my email about intern but OMG I DONT HAVE THE INTERNET.”

“I want to watch gintama and finish off season 1 but OMG I DONT HAVE THE INTERNET.”

i think i need to go on an internet rehab.

so i have been hanging around in paris with choo. to the point that I didnt really go to much attractions in paris. I dont know. for some reason paris just didnt interest me. maybe i have been there before. maybe there are too many people queuing up for museums. I don’t know.Out of the 3 countries i have been to so far belgium has been the best. I love belgium. I realised how true APH description of it was. “Though she tends to dress plainly, she is actually a hidden beauty.” Really. On first sight you will be like OMG THIS IS A GHETTO. WTF IS WITH THE UGLY COMMERICAL BUIDLINGS. WTF IS WITH THE LOUSY TRAIN SYSTEM. WHERE ARE THE ROAD SIGNS. OMG TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE (That is for me. I really dont like sweet stuff) e.t.c. but when you stay there longer, you will realise that actually have good museums, good designs, good music, good food (fries is actually from beligum!) and good people. omg and good atmosphere. though the train stations are really quite rundown filled with ugly graffiti i.e. vandalism (out of all the places, bristol has the best graffiti. no wonder banksy is from there), the whole scene just feel like a movie. Typical ganster movie set. and is so quiet in Belgium. Though there are still a lot of tourist around the center, but the number as compared to paris is really very little. And comics! Belgium has comics! plus plus points. I am definitely going to Belgium again, especially when I missed the Comic museum. MUST SEE.

So yar, I hang around with choo in paris. Just like the way we hang around in singapore. though the both of us are damn exhausted due to separate reasons.

You know, sometimes when you go to a new place as a tourist, you will be like “OMG I MUST SEE EVERYTHING” and tour around like siao, exhausting yourself to the max. Why cant we just take our pace and be like the days when we are back home? well it will kind of be a waste of money though. imagine hiding indoors to facebook in barcelona. But well, to have a calm attitude towards touring, and walk the city in a more calm manner, I think it will allow you to see more.

By the way, I took the train alone all the way to orsly airport from my hostel today. which took me roughly 2 hours because i needed to change 3 lines. Reason why? choo abandoned me for school (ok choo please dont scream WALAU BUT MY PROFESSOR BLA BLA BLA. i know la ok i know.) and my friends live in another place. Is more convenient and easier if I travel from my hostel directly, instead of travelling to my friend’s place then to the airport. My luggage is freaking heavy ok.

so, i travelled. in a city which i understood shit about the language. I literally felt mute. but in a good way. I dont know how to describe, but is like you become a third party of  the whole situation and you feel more calm? Is like you are in your own little world, observing others through a bubble.

Anyway Parisians are not as bad as their reputation. Everytime when I am faced with the stairs, someone will help me with the luggage. and everytime i asked a question with “bonjour” as an opening followed by english, someone will help me, even if they cant speak english.I guess people in general are nice. as in, humans in general.

Anyway I feel less critical about that certain country with only fish and chips and dodgy kebab. I had bad impression on paris based on the first time i was there. but the second time turned out so much better. I think I am just going too extreme with my emotions. So i guess i shall give certain country with only fish and chips and dodgy kebab a second chance.

Why did my post turn so long again? I also dont know. Anyway I am now in Barcelona. Great homestay again. By the way, did i tell you that I have been in korean homestays (except paris) for the entire trip? and they are all SO FREAKING NICE. OMG KOREAN BREAKFAST EVERY SINGLE MORNING. at least 5 dishes ok. every single time. and every day is different ok. I am now tempted to go to korea. just for the the food.

Anyway I am not making progress in animation. SHIT. I shall end this post aruptly with a sense of panic in me.

I think I am too self-absorbed.

PLEASE LET ME GET AN INTERNSHIP. THANKS.

I need it for 1) my credits 2) my CV and most importantly, 3) to show that I am a useful person because this is my first time writing cover letters to companies and finding a job. All by myself. It will suck to the core if I dont get one. Because that only means that I am terrible. I know this sounds very 转牛角尖 but, I cannot think otherwise. This thought just freaking occupy my mine.

And when I was cycling along the turnip fields today,  I begin to wonder what kind of life I really want. You know the fields are so big and pretty and you see those farmers really having a quality life, a life that is surrounded by beautiful scenery, comfortable, cheerful, but not exciting nor grand. Ok maybe that is just my superficial understanding of turnip farmers. Or my idealised versions. I am sure they worry a lot about the weather or sudden dry spells and other stuff that they cannot control at all. I mean, who has no stress in this world?

But you know, going on this exchange, looking at other people in different places, tells me that there are alternative lifestyles that I can take. Is not always about getting a 9-5 job, earning a car, a house, getting promotions, getting rewards, e.t.c. And a few days ago, while bathing, I have a certain enlightenment that to me, or at least to me right now, the most important thing in my life is not my dream nor my career. It is my family and friends. And now I totally understand why my mum chose to be a housewife. She had the choice to work or to stay at home. and she chose to the latter, simply because she knows her family is the most important thing in her life and she wants to dedicate her full time to us.

But i really wonder if I have the guts like my mum to choose that. You know, usually when you tell people “I am a housewife” they will be like “ok. you are so fortunate (so you are leeching on your husband)”. you know that kind of conceptions? But I think being a housewife is one of the most difficult job in the world.Simply because it cannot be measured by quantities like money. Is the relationship you maintain and build within the household. but of course, as said before, not everyone can see that. and I dont think I can stand that kind of misconception. 我是一个很要面子的人. which sucks. I really hate that part of me, who 输不起.

Ok I shall rephrase myself. There is nothing to loose in the first place. It is more like this: I think I have something to loose and I cant loose it.

That maybe that is the reason why I still can’t make up my mind of what I really want to do in life. A few years ago, I told my mum that I cant stand people who has no goals in life and live a life day by day mindlessly. Sorry to my past self. I am now the person who I couldn’t stand.

I don’t know what to do in my life.

And going to university didn’t help me at all on that. It actually just prolonged my decisions making time. And I think that is the ultimate goal of universities: to prolong people’s time to make up their mind of what they want to do in life.

Ok I know the above sentence is super generalised and unfair. but at least I can say that it is what is happening to me. Studying becomes a mode of escape, to give excuses to myself to delay thinking about the ultimate future.

Ok I came here wanting to just write the first sentence of this post. but some reason this became such a long post. which jumps here and there. and not making sense. but well. I can just say this is the most confusing part of my life.

and I am still single.

I think I shall remain single for the rest of my life. because I don’t know how to get another person involve with me. and I don’t know how to involve myself in another. and I dont want to waste another person’s time. Because I don’t even know myself. How can I get others to know me?

What am I talking about?

But for now, please let me get an internship yar?